"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
