after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
