if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
