I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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