I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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