Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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