I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
