I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
