Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
