a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
