sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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