I think my fart just growled at me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
