Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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