Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
