Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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