I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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