I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize