I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
