I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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