im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize