afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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