It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
