did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
