I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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