Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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