It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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