This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this just has baby written all over it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
