i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
