god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
