You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My bed smells like the plague
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