Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
