so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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