YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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