i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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