I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
