I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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