3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
