i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize