The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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