I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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