The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im holly from the hills drunk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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