I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
