i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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