my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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