i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize