my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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