My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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