Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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