This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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