her vagina looked like bernie madoff
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
