He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
