at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
