why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
