I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
