Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
