So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
