i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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