Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
