The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
