Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
