woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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