I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
