You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Randomize
